To vent hole or not to vent hole

 

OMG! Just in from “trying” to take a drug screening for my new job. 

I thought I was all set. I had ordered my synthetic urine with an elastic waistband and pour tube. I warmed it up in the microwave per the instructions. Then I broke open and attached the warming pack and strapped it all above my waist beads. I looked at the thermostat strip and it was a perfect 94 degrees… 😇

I put on a large Polo sweatshirt in the summer time 😳 to cover my “situation”. Then I grabbed the keys and headed to the lab. 

As I approached I got more and more nervous. Like OMG, what if someone notices it? I park in handicap 🤷🏽‍♀️ (who gon check me?) get out of the Landcruiser and begin adjusting my sweatshirt. I looked as uncomfortable as I was but whatever… 

I headed in thinking: “ok, not really seeing where i’m supposed to go… left or right… oh wait, here’s a bathroom let me give it one last look and then lets do it.”

After I adjusted my “situation” again I headed into the lab. I checked in on the tablet per the sign and then I sat down. “Phew, almost there” I was thinking… and then I noticed my heart was racing, lol… I checked my Apple Watch to see it at 112 bpm sitting down, lol. Yo, in real life I could never fool a lie detector test. 

Anyway, they call me back. I put my personal items into the lockbox, take the lil cup and go into the restroom. 

Now’s game time. I had read the instructions at least 10 times… it said to unsnap the gaurds and the synthetic urine will flow out of tube … easy peezy enough… 

So I place the tube in the cup, unsnap the gaurds and…………  NOTHING!!! Nothing came out!… I pushed the little bladder thing, trying to get it flowing… no luck. I moved the gaurds down so they weren’t pinching the tube… no luck… I tried to pull the tube completely off no luck. Damnit… I can’t even take it off cuz the velcro is loud af 😭. 

Now that i’m messing with it, seems like its vacuum sealed up in there somehow… like trying to get water from one of those old school 2.5 gallon plastic jugs from the grocery store… it didn’t really get going unless you poked a vent hole in the top…. but what could I use to poke a hole in this? And now i’ve been in here forever…. and now i’m getting even more anxious! 

Fuck it, i bit a hole in it 🤷🏽‍♀️… synthetic piss got into my mouth but it STILL was not flowing out of the tube. Oh god and now its spilling out everywhere… on the toilet seat, on the floor, on my pants, on my bra… I manage to get a little into the cup but damn! Now what… i’m fucking drenched with fake piss 😩

Ok, so i go to wash my hands… no running water in here.. 😠… ok, so i put the poorly and partially filled cup on the sink, grabbed toilet tissue and tried to straighten up… I stuck the tube in my bra and pulled my shorts up so high that you couldn’t see that they were wet once my sweatshirt went over it… Ok. 

Looking at the cup like, “this is all I got so lets see if it’ll work”… I opened the door… the nurse takes one look at the cup and says its not enough 😩…  I wanted to cry… She suggested a bottle of water, which I took… 

I then told her i’ll just come back.. I grabbed my personal items and high tailed it up outta there! 

Now, I’m in the hallway, there’s a bunch of shit in my shaky hands…. so I go to put my wallet in my pocket… and it hits the floor…. every damn thing falls out 🙄… Like I can’t even get away from the scene of the crime! I forgot that I had pulled my shorts up so high that my pockets were high af too 🙄…  I bent down to pick up my shit and then more fake piss comes out into my bra… 😭

FML yo! I rushed past some old ladies, cranked up the landcruiser and peeled the fuck off… Well, I peeled off as fast as Big Bertha would let me 🤷🏽‍♀️… 

I drove home in deafening silence😑… what the fuck just happened🤔??! Plus, now I have to go back and do it all over again so I can pass the damn drug test! At this point i dunno if those thc edibles were worth all of this… 

Le sigh, “let me go tell Ms. Straight Gurl about the debacle”… 

Better luck next time…