All Cried Out

 

 I’m all cried out yo… Ms. Maybeline threw me away🚮🗑️, yet again. All because of something stupid 🤪 I said in response to her being a spoiled inconsiderate brat 👶🏽. 

I said my peace ☮️ and i’ll be fine with it all very soon / soon enough. 

Imagine it 💭 me pleading 🙏🏾with a mofo who cannot take care of herself, is jobless, is consistently homeless, is selfish, is inconsiderate and sometimes just down right Cruella DaVille.

I write ✍🏾 this knowing her tattle tell ass cousin Ms. Owes Me Damn Money 🤬 might read this and report back like the punk ass snitch she is. Snitches get stitches yo🤕🩼, virtual or actual… Imagine telling 🎺 on me when you told your own legal wife that she needs a bigger or better brain 🧠, yo! Maybe tend to your own uglass affairs and don’t worry about what tf I have goings on👇🏽. 

All because some pretty, young, skinny, white baby girl 💅🏽was doing a little flirting with me and I sassily (work black woman neck) said, well, let me go be with her then…. 🤷🏾‍♀️… after Ms. Maybeline made it clear that she was dating others and also does not want me…. 

Seriously, I buy: your meds, your meals, your clothes, your food, your petrol, your entertainment, your bills, etc… and you REALLY think after all of that sacrifice and dedication that I am going to go step out with some random (allbeher (prolly not a word)nice) very young baby bisexual girl?!  It’s just frigging stooopid. What’s that you say? What about Ms. Tranny… get tf over it.

Furthermore, Ms. Maybeline 💄 consistently holds me to a standard that she herself can not and will never reach… 

It’s the most ironic ass backward poe dunk 🤪 shit I have EVER experienced…. and still yet it does indeed hurt like hell… She was still so very special to me. I would never have left her like she repeatedly leaves me. 

What is it with women being unable, unwilling or incapable of working through issues/ strife/ rough patches? Like with Ms. Maybeline any time she gets mad, she wants to break up. And even Ms. Straight Gurl, she gets an occasional wild hair up her ass and commences to pack her shit too… and plots relocating back to California. 

The person or people I want and need in my life won’t consistently run away from me at a moments notice just because their sensitive fragile feelings are hurt…

The person or people I want and need in my life will not be hot tempered, selfish and opportunistic. Every woman I have EVER been with sees me and therefore treats me as a damn opportunity. I’m their come up. Ok fine, but where is MY recompense? Who’s coat tails will I ride on all the way to glory? 🤷🏾‍♀️

So Ms. Little Rasta Gal gave me a micro dose of psilocybin and woo haa! Got my mind in check! (in my best Busta Rhymes voice)…..  That shit has me seeing everything in a new brighter clearer light. I can see the forest for the trees….. when before, I was blind to it or minimally, seeing it through rose colored glasses… or love goggles… 

On my last date with Ms. Maybeline… I found myself sitting in a damn church pew ⛪️, watching black Christians perform a black nativity concert in african 🌍 garb 😳🙄… sooooo many things were wrong with the situation…. 

Like, ok, take the slave master’s white religion if you so choose to, but do that shit in your regular unimportant street clothes or fancy church clothes and don’t wear African garb and dashikis to pretend that Christianity was original to or benefited Africa in any way, at damn all, ever. I hate that… The slaves prayed to someone before middle eastern white Jesus stepped up on the scene. BC or before christ or BCE or before common era is a whole world of existence that occurred before the religious folk documented their the existence of their savior, sweet white infant Jesus Christ 🙄… 

Anyway, after looking past the continued religious assault on my African values, I was sitting in the pew, listening to the choir sing a song I heard on Sister Act and looking up at Ms. Maybeline. She was excitedly clapping, tapping her foot to the beat, rocking to and fro in the standard “church lady”, “praise Jesus”, fashion. Looking up at Ms. Maybeline, I began to truly see 👓🔎 her, like in the flesh… She looked back at me with her wandering/weak eye 👁️ and I thought daaayyuumm… control that messy scary eye yo… 😱

Then I thought, was this it? Is this her? Is this the woman I decided to be head over heels for… She has a precarious weak eye 👁️, a very protruding midsection 🤰🏾 all stuffed into some tight smedium pants and a clearance sequen blazer from Express…it looked similar to a Michael Jackson glove knock off. 

I looked down and saw the boots 👢from many, many a season ago.... and all of it was topped off with an obviously low rent albeit cutesy wig.

This… This is it?! (in my Michael Jackson falseto)… This is who I cry 😭 over? A religious, middled aged, overweight black American woman with a wandering eye, a hot temper who is unemployed, homeless disenfranchised and penniless/impoverished, indoctrinated and spiritually stunted, uneducated, unfair and sometimes downright fucking mean yo…. I recall her hyping herself up by saying, “Do you know who I am? I can have anyone!” Yes my homely homeless darling, I now see 👀 who you are… The disparity between who she is and what I thought she was or what I wanted her to be, is river deep and mountain high (in my Tina Turner voice).

I excused every short coming and red flag 🚩. Like how are you in love with money 💲, love to frivolously and lavishly spend all while not even being able to cover your own fundamental basic subsistence needs?! 

What is that? “I need a good provider”, well I guess fucking so ma’am! Cuz you my dear are a failure of large and repeated proportions. 

And OK… I get what this looks and sounds like. It comes off as a rant from a bitter, hurt, angry vengeful, scorned black woman. But again psilocybin yo, lol… 

I am not bitter. 

I am not angry. 

I am not vengeful. 

I am not scorned. 

I am not even really mad 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I just am… stepping into my own reality from a daze or a cloudy ☁️ mist. 

*Breathes Deeply*… between the two of us, Ms. Maybeline and myself… I am the goddamn prize yo 🥇. Not for nothing but people call me “classically” beautiful 😍 without fake hair, without fake lashes, without the fake eye color and sans the fake looks nay, tons of make-up. 

Don’t get me wrong. I love a polished penny… but the fucker is still worth only 1 cent, polished or unpolished… it won’t get you far…. Meanwhile, I am the mid six figures nigga who can buy what I want, go where I want, be how I want and basically do anything under the son that I want to do. My life is limitless while hers is extremely limited (by choice). I’m the one with the valuable historic renovated house, 2 BMW’s, an SUV, highly marketable skills and people clamoring to be in my presence. Not that material things are really important but on paper, in person and by societal standards… I am something like DA SHIT💩! I’m generous to a fault, deeply loving, protective, honest, ambitious, entrepreneurial, etc… the scroll goes on…. 📜

Basically, I am dat nigga even if I don’t get no bigger… and I need to:

acknowledge my status, 

acknowledge my presence, 

acknowledge my light, 

acknowledge my gifts 

and basically, act like I fawking know, periodt. 

Smh, Ms. Straight Gurl is getting up now… cuz its getting noisy, lol… She’s loud as hell yo, lol… 😂

Anyway, I see her. I see me and I see them. 

Me seeing Ms. Straight Gurl. She is lazy, selfish, controlling, lacks ambition but desires the fruit of the ambitious… smh… She’s old yet confused about her own identity like a teenager would be. She’s stunted and frightened to lose me but refuses to do right by me at the same time. It’s not rocket science. It’s simple black ass fuckery.

The shit is NOT CONFUSING yo… it all makes perfect sense… 

And by no means do I declare perfection. I am chunky, cocky with a spare tire, bad spending habits, questionable judgement and an ugly baby toe…  🤷🏽‍♀️… but so tf what? 👀

It is, what it is… and at the end of the day what I truly see now, is my worth and my value. I bring things to the table…. Hell I am the damn table, utensils🍴, cups ☕️, napkins 🧻 and the gourmet food 🥗. I am one HELLUVA package and anyone who doesn’t agree or cannot see it, does not deserve to be in any of my circles and dassit. 🏁

It’s 6:05, the dog has been taken out and fed. Let me get up and add being productive to my scroll 📜 of admirable traits… 🤣😂

Peace ✌🏾

U-Nikki