Amends

So I am laying in bed with both knees hanging off my side because I am petty and don’t wanna touch Ms. Straightgurl. She earned her name back. 

So basically, Ms. Straightgurl’s friend, in sequence, took my rent money, infected me with corona virus and then promptly kicked us both out of her house. 

That’s what the latest argument is about.... I feel like we were both wronged. Ms. Straightgurl however, doesn’t seem to care about it. I on the other hand feel it was quite unnecessary how everything happened and I am now side eyeing the “friend”.... So Ms. Straightgurl said she is side eying me!!! 

Like whoa! I didn’t do shit besides pay my rent early, get infected with covid and get thrown out.... and she’s mad at me for being mad! Ugh....

Furthermore, I feel like if my homie did some foul thing against me and mine I would totally call him/ her out on the shit 🗣🗣. Doesn’t mean I’d toss the baby out with the bath water but for sure I’d be like, “Bitch, now you know that was a foul what you did to me and my girl.”.... I would not just be like business as usual, like nothing happened. 

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE ACTING LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED???! 🤷🏽‍♀️😳

Something DID happen. It’s not NOTHING. It’s a significant thing and why in hell does everyone think its ok? 😨

I feel like i’m in an episode of twighlight zone or punked. Like are we all just going to ignore the neon elephant in the room? 🐘

So anyway, she big mad at me for being mad and for saying that she didn’t even defend me. Fine don’t defend me but also lets not act like what happened is ok... 😑

She says I am making it a big thing. 🤯😧... No bitch, it started off as a big thing and i’m just not up for giving free passes to people for treating me wrong. 🤷🏽‍♀️✋🏽

Yes. I get shit happens. 

Yes. We all make mistakes. 

No. A mistake is not the end of the world.... 

but yes, when we fuck up we should simply make amends... not out of guilt, not out of prodding or pressure either, just because it’s the right thing to do.... when I make a mistake I admit it and I apologize... That’s not too much to expect. 

Anyway, so she’s mad, disappointed or otherwise “done” with me, she says. And you know what else grinds my gears? 🤨🧐 When shit goes south or there’s an issue, Ms. Straightgurl is blitzkrieg to say, “this is not gonna work” or “i’m done”. She gets mad and throws it and me away.... she then takes it back but ..... What am I? A mofo yo-yo? 

You can’t just get upset, throw me away and then calm down and want me back. That’s not ok. Not to say, she actually wants me back this time.... but you know what? (in the voice of Janet or Khalil) I’m not worried about it right now. I will be better than ok, always.... I won’t fight to save something she no longer wants, no longer values and no longer protects.... in the past I got super upset when she did this. Now, my recovery is quick. Yup, I started off super upset but i’m good right now..... and better yet, I am ok with life happening. 

I am happy that I have Mexico to look forward to. She told me to cancel our tickets for Dallas this weekend but maybe i’ll just go alone. I dunno...

I do know, that I am uninterested in starting over..... yet, again.... Why is it so hard to find something solid? Am I not as solid as I think I am? I have to look at myself cuz I am the common denominator. Le sigh.... 

At least all I lost this time, is time.... in exchange for experience. I guess that’s a fair trade. 

So now I am lying here, next to a snoring woman who just dumped me. She’s sleeping like a baby while I am unable to even get myself up to work.... in my defense, getting myself up to work a job I loathe has always been hard so it doesn’t take much to throw me off... 

Anyways, I am not the child who dreamed of fairytales and happily ever afters. Rather, I dreamed about whatever scary movie I watched that night like “Child’s Play”, “Nightmare on Elm Street” and the classic “, “House”.... Point is, coming from where I am from.... having a balanced functional partnership is indeed a tall order.... Dysfunction breeds dysfunction and I come from more dysfunction than anyone I know.... 

Yes. 

I’ve been through years of one on one therapy. 

Yes. 

I did group therapy too. 

Yes. 

I also did a 12 step program for survivors of childhood trauma. 

Yes. 

I have read lots of self-help and psychotherapy type books. 

But maybe, I just have too much dysfunction to correct. Like running a race, maybe I started off too far behind to catch up..... It must be something like that because I can’t seem to get it right. All I want is someone who wants to go the distance with me. Instead, I wound up with users, a lying cheater and wasted time on situations that were never gonna go anywhere. 

I hate to call learning and growth experiences wasted time but damn, I am about to be 40 years old.... I gave my youth to this pursuit and I have nothing to show for it besides occasional resentment. 

I need to change my approach and stop giving so much of a damn about women, romantic relationships and etcetera, etcetera... I just need to think about me, myself and who? I. I can work on friendships, which have a better chance at lasting and work on myself.... I am so over starting over. So, I’m just not gonna do it anymore.... at least not for a good long while.... 

I’m so lucky to have someone like Kifu in my life, who will ride hard.... (although we’ve had our struggles too).... 

I want my life to look amazing. I want to love myself well.... to:

love myself enough to eat well, 

love myself enough to workout daily, 

love myself enough to read daily, 

feed my spirit daily and protect all that is me from unnecessary roughness... that’s what I want and what I intend to give myself.... It’ll be an adventure! 

Meh, I am 2 hours late starting work. Although, it’s still only 9am in NY... meh.... 

Off to work... 🙄