Pre-first date

 

So, my foxy date is flying in from Cali for the weekend. I want everything to be awesome….

I reached out to Ms. Housekeeping for support. 

The house will be spotless, check.

Rented a car, check.

Bought food, uh… well, i’ll do it later, lol

Eye lashes, check.

Haircut, check.

Shave legs… uh… make it someone else’s problem and get everything waxed, check…

I found a Groupon to get my lashes and waxing done by the same person, score!

So, I arrive at an office park… interesting but no biggie… I go to the suite, and no one is there…. ok, so I wait… 

The girl shows up, I go in and she does my lashes. She is professional, kind, funny and made the experience all together very positive. I tipped her well and was scheduled to come back in an hour for the waxing…

Fast forward to the waxing appointment…. She tells me that the wax she’s about to use is some “natural” version, which she loves… I immediately, thought of the people who try “natural” deodorant and wind up smelling like a warthogs ass by mid day… but ok… she’s in charge and she  knows best… so… we begin with a bikini wax…

She applies the hot ass wax, while saying…. “This wax retains more heat than the normal wax”… Uh, no shit sherlock… are you trying to singe the hair off or wax it off?

So the molten wax, cools down, but for some reason she’s still massaging and moving it, which kind of hurts because she’s pulling hair, but not pulling it all the way out…. annoyance…

Finally, she goes to pull the wax off…. and it seems to be coming off in tiny, itty bitty portions… like wtf… After 30 minutes of agonizing hair by hair removal, homegirl… was like, “I don’t know why this is happening”…. 

She said, “you seem really cool Ms. Unique so I am just going to tell you…. You know better than to let this go for so long”…

Dafuq?! Did she just insult my privates dead ass to my face?… I think so… I gave her a laugh, like tee hee hee, keep messing with me… so I can come out of a bag on yo ass, slick mouth ass self…

I asked her to use the normal wax instead of the low-grade, super natural, crap that wasn’t working. She said the “normal” stuff takes 1.5 hours to heat up… LAWDT!

I allowed the nonsense to continue for as long as I could… then I was like, “Ok. Let’s just stop…. please don’t put any more wax on… I’ll wash everything off when I get home”… She laughed nervously like, “we still have 20 minutes”… I said, “Yeah but i’m good… this mess is taking forever, we won’t be done in 20 minutes and It just hurts too much to go at this pace.”…

The bitch slid more wax on me! 

Me: “Whet?! Why would you do that when I said I am done?”

Her: “I’m sorry, I just don’t like to feel like a failure and I want to finish”

Me: Jumping up, naked from the waist down… look, “I can’t take this shit no more.”

I reach for my  jeans and notice, damn… these are my new Ralph Lauren jeans I bought for work… would suck to mess them up… Then I noticed a roll of paper towels out of the corner of my eye. I grabbed the roll and stuffed a bunch into my pants so the wax would not get on my jeans. I put my jacket on and high tailed it out of there….. 

The poor girl tried to hug me and I think she was slightly crying …. uh, ok… 

So I drive home after this debacle and I text Ms. Straight Girl. As appropriate, she couldn’t believe what happened… and she felt sorry for me, not realizing this is my normal, sequence of unfortunate events like Lemmony Snickets…

I pull up at home, get out of the car and noticed the damn wax got on my jeans anyway and not only do I have a HUGE wedgie… the wedgie is glued in place with the wax…

I attempt to go up 3 flights of stairs, with the wax pulling from my jeans in every direction and with eery damn step I take lordt jesus! I’m not screaming, panting and on the top floor… so close to jumping in the tub and melting this mess off of me…

Or so I thought…. I FINALLY get in, and try to take my pants off… these mf’ers are stuck to me like white on baby jesus… i literally have to rip them off…. which hurt like hell…. but the hot water is running and I am about to get this mess off of me….

I then find out, wax cannot be removed with warm water…. my situation has gone from messed up to WTH am I going to do…. At this point I am getting anxious. It hurts, there is wax all over, I have a hot date like the next afternoon and as it stands I am in no condition to mingle with society. 

Ms. Straight Girl texts, to check in… I franticly give her the update… “wax was stuck to jeans, jeans hurt to walk, finally ripped jeans off, tried soaking wax off but it’s stuck, fml.”

She calmly replied, “relax, have a drink and youtube it.”…

Well, I’ll be damned… I forgot about the world wide web! So I google it and find baby oil can remove wax from skin…. Thank goodness I have a small travel bottle of it… So I grab the oil, soak the wax, and it FINALLY comes off… my skin in super sensitive and raw feeling but I am free, finally….

Why does my date prep have to look like this?