Sour Puss Blah

 

So, it's been an interesting and long week. I'm so looking forward to Saturday. I'll get to sleep in and then go to my aerial dance class. I'll feel like a porky ballerina on the areal silks but I'll still have fun.

This week I bought a classic truck (1965 Chevy Panel Truck), met two awesome Harley Davidson looking dudes, sold a lot of my furniture on Craigslist, skipped out on work a few times, overate until I felt sad, fasted until I felt thinner, cried, laughed, screamed at the bugs that frequent my new apartment and got a flat tire.... and I still have Friday and Saturday to go....

I seem to be pretty all over the place these days.... or maybe I am always all over the place.

Lately, I have been fantasizing about being free. Geez, I just want to be free. Can I please be free one day?

I feel so shackled to such meaningless things. I am shackled to a job that I hate (which also hates me back, by the way). I am shackled to my bills. I am shackled to this country. I am shackled to this city I live in. I am shackled to my daily schedule. I am shackled to one of the most backwards families in the history of all backwards families. I am shackled to myself. I am shackled to the rat race and I feel every single second of it. What do I need to do to break free?

Before I continue on, I admit that I do have some amazing things going on for me that I am actually happy about. My friends make me happy. Spending time with my big sister makes me happy. Grape juice makes me happy. My therapist helps to make me happy, lol. I have some happy going on for me indeed.... So why then do I always want to run away?

I am constantly thinking of "escape" plans, ways for me to disappear. I don't want to give any details just in case I need to execute said plans.... Suffice it to say, I am mentally on the run at all times.

"Crisis" is what my friend calls it (she's even more dramatic than I am). Lacking a sense of community is what my therapist calls it. "Sour Puss" or "Blah" is what I calls it. Whatever anyone calls it, it just doesn't feel so good.

I look around at other people and their lives look just as blah as mine (or worse). Are they planning to disappear themselves about it too? Why am I the only one making plans? That's the part I don't get. It seems like most people's lives suck. They get up early, yell at the kids, arrive at a job that doesn't pay enough for the stress it causes and waste an entire day sitting at desks cruising the internet while their waistlines expand. Then when the job is over the day is nearly done. They rustle up some grub, yell at the kids some more, then off to bed just to do it all again the next day, and the next day, and the next day.... What is the point of it all?

Occasionally, I'll see someone who looks genuinely fulfilled and happy and I think, "What kind of pills are you on?" hahahahahaha...

Per my therapist, I'm supposed to pretend to be happy, act happy, say that I am happy... I guess I'm failing miserably at my assignment right now, lol.... (but maybe being a sour puss makes me happy? I dunno).

I guess I should be off to bed.... so that I can wake up late, rush out of the house leaving half the stuff I need behind, ride on my flat tire to my job so that I can get yelled at for things that I have no control over all while trying not to soothe myself with chocolate cake and various other snack treats...

Blah-